Blog, Writing

Writing is desire

There are times, when I least expect it, that a barrage of words, characters, and scenes assault my mind and my senses. Sometimes, I welcome them as they happen during my allocated writing times. Other times, however, they come at the worst times, when I’m exhausted or on the brink of sleep or some other human function. They attack, full force, so I can do little but succumb. They fill me to the point that if I don’t sit and write, I implode. It’s desire and want and need and love and hate all rolled into a neat but over-charged rubber-band ball.

Tonight is one of those nights.

Blog, Writing

Eye-candy or… a snack?

The project I’m working on now is YA which, I’ve come to find out as I trudge through writing the scenes, feels quite natural. I think the teenager in me (I’m 32 now) was yearning to be released and is ecstatic at this chance to shine. For my “research” in getting the voice just right, I’ve been tapping into the journals I kept back then, talking to my students, talking to family who is roughly the same age as my characters, and I’ve found that, for the most part, I’m pretty dead on (let’s see if that holds up!)

Every once in a while, though, I get caught up in terminology or phrases that I’m not sure sixteen- or seventeen-year-olds would say today.

Like eye-candy.

One of my characters is a total flirt. She loves boys and loves flirting and, in one of my scenes calls the guys she’s watching “eye-candy.”

In my Novel Writing workshop through UCLA Writers Extension Program (side note: UCLA Writers Extension classes rock! I’ve been so blessed and lucky to have had wonderful instructors who’ve provided much-needed guidance and structure in my otherwise crazy world), one of my classmates commented that “eye-candy” seemed a bit old for sixteen, which baffled me a little since I was almost positive I’d heard that phrase from students and my neighbor’s fourteen-year-old daughter. But for the sake of research, I asked some of my female students what terms they used when talking about cute/hot guys.

I got… a snack. This, according to my students, is what they’re now using to refer to cute boys. A snack. As in, he’s such a snack. What a snack.

Really? Somehow, that seems just as demeaning as…. I don’t know, calling a cute/hot girl something edible. Edible and cuteness factor just don’t seem to mix. Maybe I’m not such a teen after all! (Though, I have NEVER heard the teenagers on the Disney Channel’s shows call cute guys a snack!)

I wonder what other terms exist today that I’m not used to. Please share them if you know of any!

Blog, Ramblings, Writing

Ear-deep in anxiety

Nothing like mid-semester to bring on the anxiety. Part of me is wondering what the hell I was thinking… classes, papers, grading, writing, critique groups…. and doctor visits, anxiety attacks, pain and fatigue. Fun stuff.

But another part of me keeps saying I can do this, and I need to do this.

I started writing scenes for my story. I finally moved past the character sketches, past the talk –I’m finally in. And it feels great. So I have to hold onto those moments that push me forward and glide through this term.

Here’s me holding on…

Blog, Writing

I Don’t Remember — A writing prompt

I recently gave my class this writing assignment: Write what you don’t remember. It’s a nice twist to one of my favorite prompts (I remember). One of my students asked, “Well, if you don’t remember, how can you write it down?” The key to “I don’t remember” is that in naming what you don’t remember, you inadvertently trigger memories. Memory begets memory. It’s beautiful, really.

For example:

I don’t remember living in Queens, New York. I was five and though I get flashes of memories that walk me through that year, mostly, I don’t remember. What I do remember is the feel of the brick building that held my kindergarden class, where I got lost because I couldn’t understand the teacher’s instructions (since Spanish was what I learned at home) and instead of the playground, I was in the dark, cold hallway with my backpack and lunchbox. Alone. I remember being afraid. I must have cried, too. But that I don’t remember.

I also don’t remember where I lived, except that it was on a slope, and it was on an upper floor (third, perhaps?) because I remember the stairs with dark, wooden walls and the musky smell of closed spaces. I remember my Strawberry Shortcake comforter for my twin bed, though mostly because I have a picture of it with me right beside it: short, bobbed hair, black leotard and pink tights. I must have been taking ballet, though I clearly don’t remember that. I remember ballet in Miami, not in New York.

I remember my father’s fear, when he got mugged. I don’t remember how or when or why, except that I vaguely remember a story of him being taken by four men –or was it three?– and driven around, stripped of his wallet, money, and courage, only to be deposited back somewhere near our apartment, alive. He must have prayed, but I don’t remember him saying if he did. If he were alive, I’d ask him, but I don’t know that he’d remember.

If you’re feeling a need for a writing prompt, try “I don’t remember” — happy writing!

Blog, Ramblings, Writing

4 AM Musings

Hello insomnia. Again. I want to be angry, but I can’t. Too tired.

I awoke at 3:30 from a combination of my sheets being tugged and my son whimpering. They woke me from a glorious dream: the agent I had recently queried about my picture book manuscript had answered my query with a yes, and that feeling of elation lasted me all of two minutes. I did what any other normal writer with a recent submission who wakes up in the middle of the night with such a vivid dream would do; I checked my email. No email.

I went back to bed and urged myself to go back to sleep. I turned left. I turned right. I flipped on my stomach, then to my back. Nothing. Sleep dissipated and left me stranded, so I called on the muses, hoping to get some good writing done. Unfortunately, it seems like they’re asleep, oblivious to my predicament.

So I’ll scribble and grade until I get tired or inspired and hopefully, I won’t be hating life too much later today.

Blog, Writing

Evoking the Senses: A Writing Exercise

One of the exercises I love to do in some of my classes involves description. I break the class into small groups of three and assign each group a word of a place. They have to then use all their senses to describe the place without giving away their location. Then they present it and the class gets to guess the location. We all have fun with it, as the students realize just how specific and descriptive I want them to get.

For example: It smells good. Well, what is good? What does good smell like? Is it the scent of gardenias on a summer’s afternoon? Is it the thick and overpowering smell of steak being cooked on the barbecue? Is it the smell of rain right before the first drops fall?

There’s no denying that good writing uses all the senses, and great writing does so in a manner that is flawless, leaving the reader with beautiful, vivid details and, to paraphrase one of my students, completely transports us into the story. And there’s also no denying that our senses are integrally tied to our memories. How many times have we smelled a particular scent and been hurled into a memory head first? Or sometimes we taste something and we’ll immediately recall a scene from long ago that had been tucked away behind more pertinent memories.

At the FIU Writer’s Conference two years ago, Dan Wakefield, who was leading a workshop on creative nonfiction, gave us a freewriting exercise that involved writing the scenes that came to mind with a few key words. For smell, he gave us: Smell of hamburgers cooking on the grill, perfume, sauerkraut, Vicks vapor rub, new car. I chose to write about the smell of new car:

My mother had always complained about the ol’ junkers in our driveway: a large, army green automatic one, el carro verde and a smaller, two-door stick shift one, el carro blanco. My parents always referred to their old cars by their colors. But my mother wanted a new car. She was tired of the old ones breaking down, and she refused to take the expressway for precisely that fear. For that Christmas in ’89, my father finally conceded to buying a car, and he bought her el Mazdita, a metallic blue, 2-door hatchback. They went from using shades of color to describe the car, and instead focused now on the brand. It was a step up. I loved the new car. It didn’t smell like the lingering, nose-tickling scent of my father’s Winston cigarettes, like the carro blanco did. It didn’t smell damp, like el carro verde did, because water had leaked in through its windows countless times. It smelled new, if newness had a scent. The hard plastic, musty smell of the new car was overpowering, and it reminded me of richness. Even at nine-almost-ten, I could tell the new car smell was empowering to my mother, who although quiet, beamed. She didn’t get many new things; this was a treat. And it was hers. I would simply ride in the back, with my eyes either closed or glued to a Babysitter’s Club book, inhaling the clean, plastic air that was free from pollutants. My mother made it a rule that my father could not smoke in her car. He had the other two junk cars to do that in.

That same car became mine, ten years later, as I was a student at FIU and had left home. My mother had upgraded to a Toyota Corolla; my father didn’t drive. He was sick and stayed home, and although he didn’t know it yet, would have his left leg amputated in a few years. The Mazda was my form of transportation for about a year. The new car smell was gone; instead, it had the scent of books, a Tweety air freshener that was to resemble fruits, and the shampoo of the day.

So here’s a writing prompt, if you need one: write the memories that come to mind with any one of the following:

– The smell of freshly brewed coffee, hamburgers cooking on the grill, perfume, freshly cut grass, Vicks vapor rub, or new car.

– The taste of chocolate covered strawberries, peanut butter, hot chocolate, meatloaf, eggs

– The sound of a washing machine, a car’s engine, a train whistle, chalk on chalkboard

Happy writing!

Blog, Ramblings, Writing

Rude, Obnoxious People

We’ve become a nation of obnoxious, rude people.

I see it on the streets. Cars swerve and skirt around others cars. Drivers yell obscenities and make crude gestures I’m glad my son doesn’t yet understand. I sit behind the wheel and fume, careful to keep it to myself because the last thing I need is for road rage to kill me the way it did the man in the news, where his murder was witnessed by his eleven-year-old daughter.

I see it in the stores. Restaurants, retail–it’s all the same: customers demand without manners. They shove to get to the register first and then treat employees like last night’s leftovers. At Starbucks, voices rise and patrons spit out things like, “I said I wanted it heated to 150 degrees. This is not 150 degrees – do it over!” Of course, the demands may vary, but the tone and body language are always the same.

I see it on TV. Shows like Bridezillas market the idea that rude, obnoxious people are funny and make money.

I see it in Little League, where grown men scream, punch, throw objects and kick, like toddlers having tantrums, because their son hasn’t proven their manhood by being the best.

Perhaps it’s always been this way. My father used to say this was a “primero yo, segundo yo, tercero yo” world–first me, second me, third me. I didn’t believe him then. I thought he was overly sensitive in his old age.

But now I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s just South Florida. Maybe it’s a big-city thing. Regardless, this is the world in which my son is growing up, and it scares me. I worry that no amount of “please” or “thank you” or of modeling behavior will save him from these rude, obnoxious people.

Blog, Writing

The benefits of writing

Sometimes I just want to say – God I love writing.

Whenever I am able to get in a couple hours of straight writing (whether it’s blogging, journaling, writing a first draft or even revising), the fact that I’m able to get lost in my words, erase the world around me and enter a pseudo-meditative state is better than any anti-anxiety drugs out there! (Note, this can also be applied to the act of reading, of getting lost in a story.)

Then there’s the euphoria that comes with creation. Giving birth to characters and stories is, in layman’s terms, awesome. You enter a frenzied state in learning all you can about your character(s). They become real, your friends (or enemies). You know every intimate detail about them, possibly even more than your own spouse. They are your children.

And it doesn’t matter what kind of writing; each has a unique calming quality for me and though I may be writing action, that I can forget my own self and my own circumstances is reward enough. I am no longer me, but a spectator in the unfolding story. I’m right there with an invisibility cloak, walking side by side with the characters. Or, if I’m revisiting my past, even when painful, I get lost in remembering. I may cry, I may laugh – but I forget my problems of the here and now. Heck, even if I’m writing about the problems of now, writing allows me to enter a reflective state that calms me. And poetry, too. And children’s stories.

The act of writing is a spiritual experience.

And now I continue revising my essay…

Blog, Ramblings, Writing

Hello, Insomnia – some musings

It’s 3:15 AM. I should be asleep because I know the consequences of not getting a full night’s rest are brutal. But I’m not; sleep has apparently evaded me. After the initial wake-up from my son’s cries (from either nightmares or night terrors – I don’t know), I just lay in bed, twisting and trying to regain some remnant of a comfortable position with which to greet sleep. Nada. Too hot. Too many thoughts. Another cry from my son.

I gave up and came here, to write. What else do you do at 3 in the morning when the world around you is dead in slumber?

Insomnia. One of the many characteristics of growing old, my condition, and stress. Take your pick.

The start of school has been, indeed, rough. The short period of rest which summer afforded me is now a rapidly disintegrating memory. It’s only been two weeks and already I’ve neared an anxiety attack. The insomnia has also returned, and the pain/inflammation has increased. I’m back on steroids, in a second attempt at relief. My acupuncturist added new needle locations and new natural Chinese herbs.

I’m at a catch-22, my rheumatologist tells me. She has meds that can help with the symptoms. But those meds, like I’ve written before, are not without serious side effects and monitoring. It’s easy to say no to them when the pain is not intense, when it’s a simple whisper as opposed to a piercing scream. Now I waver. Maybe I should give those meds a try.

Today (or rather yesterday since, technically, 3 AM belongs in a new day) was a long day. Grueling not so much because of the amount of work but because it was void of rest. Dropped off my son. Drove through white, forceful rain. Had meetings. Taught classes. Worked on schedules. Squeezed lunch in there somewhere. Drove to meet my husband and son at a dealership. Spent four hours at said dealership. At dinner too late. I know it doesn’t sound bad. Yes, other people have worse days or more hectic days. But here’s the thing: my body cannot tolerate this. It just doesn’t respond. By the time I was driving home, I was near tears from the pain – a gnawing, incessant burning deep inside my bones and a throbbing in my joints.

When we got home, my husband said to me: we’re getting old. I’m exhausted, too, and my back hurts.

And I wanted to scream. Because this isn’t just me getting old. This isn’t just exhaustion. This isn’t just stress (though without a doubt, stress is an integral player in the triggering of a flare-up). My body’s broken. And no one who isn’t going through the same can really understand.

This is one of the frustrating parts of the disease. The loneliness that comes from feeling like a whining child. The shame that comes with feelings of ineptitude because you have to explain why you’re walking slow, or why you’re stuttering or having difficulty in forming coherent speech, or why you’re taking the elevator instead of the stairs (and hearing people’s thoughts screaming: lazy), or why you’re now trying to lessen your workload in order to manage balance and lessen pain (and again, people look at you, see someone young and “healthy” and think: lazy).

I know I’m at a low right now. I know this is cyclical. It will pass and relief will come again, however brief. I have to maintain my focus on that and hang on for this ride. And I need to write.

Because writing saves me.

Blog, Writing

The Hunger Games Trilogy

Something I like about summer is I can catch-up on my reading. It doesn’t happen much during the regular semester because of time constraints (there’s only so far I can stretch myself before being completely useless!), so in the summer, I take full advantage. I joined a book club, which gives me an extra push to read (but that’s another post for another time).

I like young adult (YA) books. But not just any YA; I like fantasy, magic, romance, and a little paranormal. It’s why I like Harry Potter and Twilight, and it’s why I got sucked into reading The Hunger Games trilogy. All three books in four days (of course, I did this when we went on vacation to the beach, before the new semester began, when I still had some extra time).

Once I started reading the first book, The Hunger Games, I couldn’t stop. I downloaded the second (Catching Fire) and the third (Mockingjay) into my phone. I just had to know what happened to the characters and I couldn’t wait until the next time I made it to a bookstore. I needed them NOW.

(On a side note, I’ve never been happier that eReaders exist. I never thought I’d give-in to downloading books – and reading them – from a hand-held device, but it’s actually quite useful. I will NOT give up reading actual books, however; there’s something sacred about that experience… it’s a complete sensory experience. But again, another post for another time.)

So The Hunger Games books were pretty awesome. I loved the story line, the setting, the themes. When I started reading the first book, I kept thinking: This is so Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery” meets Survivor with a sprinkle of X-Men. Seriously. Read the beginning of The Hunger Games, the way they pick who the two contestants for each district will be, and tell me it doesn’t sound like “The Lottery.” It’s such a macabre process! And once Katniss and Peeta are in the “games,” it is literally survival of the fittest in a reality TV fashion during this post-apocalyptic era.

One of my favorite lines comes from the last book, and I think it sums up one of the main themes quite nicely (and it’s an excellent observation about our society, our world, our history): “‎Collective thinking is usually short-lived. We’re fickle, stupid beings with poor memories and a great gift for self-destruction.” — from Mockingjay.” I can see using this in composition courses and triggering some great discussions.

The writing was good (though not great at times). The books are written in the first person, from Katniss’s point-of-view, which works well. However, sometimes, there’s a lot more telling than showing. We don’t SEE the scenes unfold, we HEAR Katniss telling us about it. This is especially true in the second and third books. Sometimes it didn’t bother me too much, but other times, it did. I didn’t want her to tell me about the reunion with Gale when she got back to District 12; I wanted to see it.

I saw a little of Twilight in the love triangle, when both Gale and Peeta are talking about her while she’s feigning sleep in the last book (Eclipse, anyone?)

But the books were such an addictive read. Suzanne Collins did a great job in hooking the reader with cliffhangers: at the end of chapters and at the end of books. She ensured readers couldn’t wait to read the next book. And the strong within the books, especially the second and third, were war-related themes: dangers of war, the brutality of it, the reality of PTSD. Real dangers today told in a story of a futuristic community. But overall it’s the story of mankind, how we don’t learn from our mistakes but instead keep making them over, and over again. When I read the last word in the final book, all I could say was, “Oh.”

I would definitely recommend these books!